Coping with the unexpected

Across the news this week we have seen terrific volcanic eruptions in Palma,
Canaries, an earthquake in Melbourne, Australia and the increased threat of
energy companies shutting down around the country. In each of these
situations, no-one could have anticipated any of these intrusions in our daily
lives; and the same could be said about so many life-events that cross our
bows – whether it be accidents, illness or, perhaps, the more positive news of
an unexpected rise in one’s salary!

Despite how many risk assessments that we might make in schools, industry,
government or in our own personal lives at home, life always has the
propensity to throw us a curved ball. Aside the need for each of us to take
responsibility for how we conduct ourselves in relation to our world, it is a
challenge to see how we can better cope with the unexpected. Even if we play
ostrich or genuinely hide ourselves away in our homes, we can never be sure
that a roof tile doesn’t strike us! To follow such a line can only lead to a prison
of neurosis, which binds, breaks down human relationship and prevents vision
and confidence in a world to explore and enjoy.

Whilst Jesus was on earth, in his Sermon on the Mount, he pointed his listeners
to nature: ‘Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store in
barns and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more
valuable than they? Who by worrying can add a single hour to their life?’
Worry is not only unhelpful but can itself be a source of harm, as any
psychologist or neuro physician will concur. But what Christ is underlining here,
positively, is that we have a heavenly Father who genuinely cares and loves us,
in the midst of the unexpected as much as in the humdrum, and as he reminds
us earlier in that Sermon, we are all called to be light and salt in the world, not
hiding away but shining, supporting, and demonstrating God’s love to our
hurting neighbour.

There is, conversely, within the Christian message, the need for us to be
vigilant and watchful and knowing that we need to be prepared for eternity.
Life, unlike what some may say, is a dress rehearsal – the three score years and
ten, or thereabouts, is never guaranteed but can be viewed as an opportunity
not for obsessive indulgence in good works, but rather permission for God to
have his way in our lives by his grace, seeking what the day given to us might
hold, according to his will. That, I believe, will give us a divine perspective on
the unexpected and a readiness to greet each day with joy and gratitude and
our life in the next world, whenever that might be.

(With thanks to Revd Alex Aldous, Chaplain at Prestfelde Prep School)

Is every day, ‘Men’s Day’?

Tuesday this week was ‘International Men’s Day’. Nowadays there appears to be a special day for almost everyone and anything – in the same way, perhaps, that in days of yore Saints’ Days were established and promoted and, for some, holidays (or ‘holy days’) proclaimed. Not everyone approves of a ‘Men’s Day’. As Oliver Duff, Educator of i newspaper, has written: ‘I understand the criticisms of International men’s Day. Some people continue to be offended by the concept of arguing that it is the equivalent to holding a white history month, or that every day is men’s day’.

Baking your anxieties

Duff’s editorial (19/11/19 – almost a palindromic day) goes on to argue that perhaps it’s not such a crazy idea after all to put aside one day annually to consider the state of many men today owing to the high, and increasing, incidence of worryingly poor men’s mental health – and I agree. Michael Chakraverty, an unlikely star of this year’s ‘Bake Off’ tent on Channel 4, has done a great deal to champion the cause of men, our feelings, emotions and our state of mind. He underwent a panic attack on the show and has written movingly of his struggle with anxiety. Chakraverty describes himself as a ‘reluctant convert to International men’s Day’ as he had felt that men had more than enough focus and attention in our world. The aim of the day is to ‘make a difference for men and boys’ in the face of intense pressure to hide emotions and to ‘be a man’. One of the event’s founders, Jerome Teelucksingh, describes its purpose as an attempt to ‘remove the negative images and stigma associated with men‘. In the UK, suicide remains the most common cause of death for men aged between 20 and 49 years – and men are three times more likely to die by suicide than women. In the light of this, one day in 365 to focus on men’s mental health is worth the emphasis: it just might save a Father, a Husband, a Brother, a Son.

High pressure

I cannot say that I have ever contemplated suicide but I have struggled in recent years from intense stress which led me to seek medical help. I was extremely fortunate – blessed in fact – to be able to offload to a doctor who shares my Christian faith. He listened to the concerns I had in my highly-pressured job as a Headmaster, carried out some mental health tests and then prescribed some light medication to help me manage my workload and the expectations put upon me – and which I put upon myself. I had half expected my doctor to prescribe time off work but he didn’t: he sought to support me in a career which I loved, encouraged me to share where I was at with my family and close work colleagues, and then to manage better my time and commitments. His care, compassion and understanding – plus the medication and a wonderfully supportive wife and family – worked and I was able to carry on productively and positively. Only this month (and a year on from retiring as a Head) I have been able, after a period of transition, to come off the medication. (In my new role as General Secretary of TISCA, I hope I can be a more empathetic person as I work alongside Christian Heads, Chaplains, Staff and Governors.)

Movember for men

I am very aware of other men around me who have been less fortunate and for this reason I have been taking part in Movember for the past four years. My pathetic attempt at growing a moustache has raised a modest amount of money for the charity but, more than this, has reminded me (and others who have asked) that men are vulnerable and not the John Wayne / James Bond / Top Gun- type macho figure that is commonly expected. Michael Chakraverty cried on ‘Bake Off’ and was blown away by the number of positive responses online (helped by the ‘#realmencry’ hashtag). There were those who called him a ‘cry baby’ and worse but I wonder how many of us would say this of Eddie Jones, the England men’s rugby coach, who clearly expressed emotion on prime-time TV this week when asked about the impact of the Rugby World Cup on his family? Eddie’s no wimp – he appears to be a ‘man’s man’ – but he’s not afraid of showing raw emotion.

It’s just possible that having an International Men’s Day allows for taboos around the image of men to be discussed more openly – and for there to be a softening in expectations and an understanding that it’s OK to cry – and to seek help. For anyone reading this who is struggling with suicidal thoughts or with mental health in other ways, then do speak to someone – and, at the very least, the Samaritans on 116123.

Email at your peril!

The email trail

This week I have been emailing several people to chase up responses to messages sent out in August. I was pleased to receive one automatic message: ‘I won’t be responding to emails this week as I am on holiday with my lovely family’. A great reply. (It is half-term for some teachers.) Another automated response reads: ‘I am on the half-term break but will reply as soon as I can’. Oh dear – a shame. And there was, ‘I am on my summer break and won’t manage to reply for some time’. Ho hum!

I gather it is Ray Tomlinson, a New York computer programmer in the 1970s, we have to blame for electronic communication. As Simon Kelner (The i Newspaper 23/10/19), reminds us: ‘The advent of email changed the rules of engagement for everyone and no-where has this been more consequential than in the workplace‘.

Avoid emails after 9.00 pm

When I was a Head, I tried not to email anyone after 9.00 pm – and certainly endeavoured to avoid the ‘ping’ of the email after that evening hour. Early on in my senior managing career I realised that to open a parental ‘wine o’clock’ email after I was home was likely to rob me of sleep: there was nothing I could do about the inevitable ‘complaint’ until the morning. (Besides, my wife quite rightly castigated me for checking my ‘phone after this hour and banned the device from the bedroom: very wise indeed.)

In the latter years of my Headship, I was impressed by hearing of one school which banned work emails after 6.00 pm and had a setting on the school system to ensure this was enforced. Moreover, I gather that in France it is actually illegal for companies with more than 50 employees to send emails after recognised working hours – and companies such as Lidyl and Volkswagen use software to intercept such ‘Exocet missiles’ aimed at workers during their leisure moments.

Recent research

This is all very well, but now I have heard of a body of research (from Sussex University) which suggests that prohibiting employees from checking their emails outside of normal working hours can actually harm their mental health! It seems that some people just must be ‘connected’ and feel in control of their communication channels.

Clearly, like so much in life, a balance needs to be achieved: strict policies in this area can, it appears, cause additional stress to some people. The younger worker today generally feels it’s natural to receive work emails outside of normal employment hours (and for teachers I defy anyone to classify ‘normal’ in term time). Ray Tomlinson has, in Keller’s words, ‘let the genie out of the bottle‘ and we cannot put it back no matter how hard we try. ‘The only guidance I give to work colleagues‘, Keller concludes, ‘is not to send a work email at a time you wouldn’t consider making a ‘phone call to deliver the same message‘. Wisdom indeed.

Retiring without retreating

I was interested to read in yesterday’s i Newspaper that more than a quarter of retired over 65s said they gave up their careers too soon – and a fifth were disappointed by their retirement. Very sadly, 33% of respondents said their ‘grand dreams’ for retirement had not come to fruition. (All part of a survey of 1,000 people conducted by the home care provider, Home Instead Senior Care.)

Social care survey

As someone who has ‘retired’ in my early 60s, there are some survey findings with which I can empathise: 25% said their day no longer had a routine – and I had ‘enjoyed’ (and now appreciate more than ever) a very regular school, term-time and holiday routine for 38 years; 45% of those polled said that what they missed most about their work was the time spent with colleagues – and it’s this I miss the most. I would also add to this the loss of opportunity seeing young people flourish, all part of my vocation as a Schoolmaster.

I am, of course, adjusting and there’s much I don’t miss – especially the stress of exam results at this time in the year and the inevitable pressure from those parents of the few pupils who have fallen short in their aspirations. Further pressure to maintain the pupil roll and to answer the angry (and often unrealistic ‘wine o’ clock) email are also features of school life that I don’t harp back to.

Keeping on working as long as you can

Interestingly, in another feature in yesterday’s Press we read of Nicholas Parsons who, aged 95, has missed only his second recording of BBC4’s ‘Just a minute’ in 50 years of broadcasting. If you ever listen to the programme, you can tell that this is someone who never wants to retire from his ‘day job’ – and good for him, too. (I should add that whilst my parents are in their 80s and 90s they still enjoy some regular paid employment – which they also enjoy!)

Doing nothing?

A further article, by Siobhan Norton in the i Newspaper, extolled the virtues of ‘fjaka’ – the Croatian art of doing nothing. This is the perfection of the art of siesta without sleeping – a sort of meditation, even lethargy, as one stares off into the middle distance; ‘look on and make no sound’. This writer realised that when on holiday it might be a blessing to go off-line, at least for a time, and so escape the tyranny of ‘just checking my device’ – again and again. But then, of course, this is not retirement but, perhaps, preparation for it.

A productive retirement

Whilst I find echoes in my own semi-retired situation of some of the traits mentioned above in the survey, I cannot say that I fully concur. As I have just noted, I am only semi-retired: I retired from schoolmastering (and headmastering) full-time last summer but since this April I have taken up a part-time post, using my school experience, to support Christian Heads, Chaplains and Teachers in the independent sector. I was fortunate to be able to plan to retire rather than have it thrust upon me owing to ill-health, dismissal or redundancy. I do still miss my old routines, the camaraderie of the staff room and the excitement of young people learning and gaining fresh insights. However, I have tried to ‘Retire without retreating’ (and can recommend a book of this title by Johnnie Godwin). Taking a sabbatical off paid work has helped and I am trying to ‘age with grace’ by keeping active through sport and gardening, spending time with family (aged from a few months to the mid-90s) and enjoying getting to know my wife all over again. These adjustments are rarely easy and are never fully mastered but I would urge everyone to plan early for a productive retirement – and that’s not just by paying into a pension scheme!

A pearl in the making

In the last blog I wrote on retirement (in November) I dwelt on the pain of separation from a community – in my case a school – that I had been part of over the past nine years. In fact, this was almost my last blog to date as since then I have been going through another type of pain: moving house.

Stressors in life

It is said that the three most stressful things people go through in their lives (apart from some extraordinary tragedy) are bereavement, the break-up of a marriage (or long-standing relationship) and moving house. In our 42 years of marriage, my wife and I have lived in eight different places across three separate countries and changed house 17 times. I didn’t particularly rate, in advance, the latest house move as being especially traumatic – after all we were ‘only’ moving within England this time – but I was wrong! It has led to a great sense of weariness – not just physical but also mental, even spiritual. This has accounted for my silence as far as blogging is concerned.

Moving on

I have tried to analyse why this last move has been so tiring and draining. There are some obvious clues: I’m older now than when we last moved some eight years ago; I have just retired as a Headmaster and I am still adjusting to a new status and state of being; we hadn’t had a good clear-out since 1995 when we left Scotland for England and put far too much in storage in 2000 when we went to India – and then had no time to sift through this when we returned to the UK in 2009 and straight into another school post: until now! Furthermore, we first put our house in Hampshire on the market in April 2018 expecting to sell over the summer and to move to the Midlands in early Autumn: how naïve we were! We eventually moved in January 2019 and only now, two months later, is there some sense of a lifting of fatigue.

Even more fundamental than the ‘clues’ above, has been what on the surface appeared to be a release: for the first time in our married and working lives we have been at liberty to choose where we wanted to live. No longer was there a tie to a teaching post – and in most cases to a boarding community – and thus, as they say, ‘the world was our oyster’. Sadly, the ‘pearl’ was not immediately clear to see and even now the ‘grit’ in the body of the clam is still being worked over as, I hope, the ‘pearl’ is being created. A decision to move nearer to family made sense, as did a location more into central England in view of the itinerant part-time post I am taking up next month. All of this seemed ‘sensible’ but it hasn’t really accounted for the other stressors.

New beginnings

It is apparent that, unlike when we have moved to be part of a new school community, we are now having to create a brand new fellowship in a fresh town, neighbourhood and church without the luxury of there already being one there pre-formed for us to be a part of. Learning names, finding shops and services, coping without the regular routine of the school day, term and year and managing on a pension have all taken their toll. In God’s strength, we are resilient and also convinced that we are in the right place at the right time – but this hasn’t prevented a sense of loss nor a bewilderment at the new surroundings in which we find ourselves. Some will say ‘time heals’: I don’t believe it’s the time which is the healer, only God, but it is true that this can take time to feel and to embrace. Re-starting my blog, if only for my own health, is a sign that things are stabilising but there is still some way to go. ‘Further up and further in’, as CS Lewis puts it in The Last Battle: gradually my new environment will become clearer and more familiar – and it will also be exciting and invigorating even if that’s not just yet!

Boost your mood

Mental health concerns

As a recently retired Headmaster, I remain a member of three professional associations which serve schools in many and varied ways: ISA, The Independent Schools Association (representing around 500 private schools from primary through to the secondary sector), TISCA, The Independent Schools Christian Association (supporting schools with a Christian foundation and ethos and assisting Christian teachers) and the Society of Heads. In each case, conferences and meetings over the past two years have shared a theme: ways of understanding mental health in schools and how we might better boost wellbeing. The Government has also been sponsoring studies into this area and various charities have been promoting ‘mindfulness’ in schools. It seems that young people (let alone staff in schools) are facing unprecedented levels of mental pressure, and not simply at key exam times.

Government initiatives

In its NHS Long Term Plan, published this month, the Government said that by 2023-24, an extra 345,000 children will be able to access mental health support via local health services and new school-based mental health support teams. Alarmingly, however, a goal of ensuring all children get access to the specialist care they need will only be achieved ‘over the coming decade’, the document states. Furthermore, a damning report by the parliamentary education and health committees last year was very critical of the Government plans and argued these delays will put additional pressure on teachers.

Useful advice for all

It was with all this in mind that I was attracted to an article in a back edition of Women’s Weekly (not, I might add, my normal choice of reading, but definitely full of useful features and advice). The article in question was called, ‘Boost your mood in just one day’ and I share a few suggestions from it – either for your own wellbeing or even for that of your children. There may even be a New Year’s resolution here! It was written for key moments of the day (adjustable according to your diary and routine):

7.00am Let in the light: daylight stimulates our body’s serotonin (the so-called ‘happy hormone’) and thus it’s good to open the curtains early
8.00am Eat yogurt for breakfast: probiotic-rich foods are great but I am also profoundly aware that some pupils arrive at school having had little breakfast at all
9.00am Log on and laugh: a great antidote to the backlog of emails awaiting me which I’ll tackle much better once I’ve seen one of the 50 funniest YouTube films (such as the one about playful kittens)
11.00am Catch up with coffee: it’s not just the caffeine which (in moderation) can be helpful but also the stimulus of the oxytocin hormone which is released when we bond with friends
12.30pm 10-minute tidy up: even sorting out a small pile of mail can help create some inner calm and combat the stress hormone cortisol
1.00pm Have a happy meal: ideally not the fast-food variety but a low-carb lunch, again with friends or colleagues to assist bonding
2.30pm Flick through photos: it’s a real mood-booster to look at a few pictures of family and friends
3.00pm Get up against a wall: apparently a 30-second stretch pressed up against a flat surface will enhance our mood
3.30pm Say thank you: my favourite – and see below for an example. Writing one appreciative text, email or letter a week boosts our own satisfaction and happiness levels. Just think what one a day might do!
4.00pm Try speed-thinking: give yourself 30 seconds to list all you can about a loved one or friend. Quick thinking has been proven to improve our mood
4.30pm Cheer up with chocolate: say no more (except it ought to be the dark variety for best results)!
5.00pm Do a good deed: volunteering, giving to charity, doing a random act of kindness – all boosts our mood but also enhances others. A ‘win win’ situation!
6.00pm Chop some fruit: see, feel and smell the fruit – another great activity to raise the spirits
7.00pm Have a fish supper: omega-3 rich salmon is apparently best and thus don’t just wait for Friday (or that seaside holiday) for fish
8.00pm Start your wind down: steady breathing, relaxing muscles…you might fall asleep before you know it! Begin to switch off your devices and have a break before bed – and leave your mobile ‘phone outside your bedroom
10.00pm Go to bed on a kiwi: apparently this fruit is high in serotonin-boosting nutrients and vitamin C…the perfect way to drift off for a happy sleep…

Saying ‘thank you’ – the best of remedies

And so to return to my favourite from the list above – the ‘thank you note’. The following, from a parent last year who had three children through my school and with the youngest just about to leave, was by all accounts stimulated by one of my earlier blogs. I quote just a few sections here and will let them speak for themselves. Suffice it to say, emails such as these go a long way to boosting my mental health and so I wonder who else we might similarly encourage today?

Thank you for your latest email about mind sets. I found it very interesting and it was this that prompted me to write to you. Yes, I know another email for you! I’m sure you get so many, but I hope this will be a welcome addition…

I have thought long and hard how I can thank you all for having (my children) and helping my husband and myself and all our family to shape them into the adults that they have become. It is our belief that basic principles, attitudes and morals are so important to teach children from the minute they are able to recognise them and whilst this indeed starts at home, we have always felt that they have been enforced at your school alongside the way we would teach them. I could buy wine or chocolates, but to me this seems so impersonal whereas I hope the sentiment in this email will stay with you and your colleagues for a little longer than a drink or a box of sweets…

There are so many proud moments that will stay in our memories for ever thanks to your school. Nothing compares to hearing from teachers that they like and enjoy our children’s company. I know that parents’ evening are some people’s nightmares but we always looked forward to it as we heard only constructive comments and we felt that the teachers really knew and understood our children. It is important to us to teach the children to be kind and considerate to others in life as many other things then tend to fall into place. The ‘act of kindness week’ was a fabulous idea: it really makes us stop and think that it doesn’t take much to make others happy.

To say that all of you go beyond your duties as teachers is an understatement…thank you to all the teachers and staff who have been a part of our family for all this time. I truly believe that it takes a very special type of person to be involved with kids’ learning and wellbeing on a day-to-day basis and your school has managed to get it right on every level.

Stress busting

Teacher stress

We have just had ‘stress in the workplace day’ and the educational Press has again been full of statistics about the impact of increasing workloads on teachers and other professionals. A YouGov survey in 2017 found that 75% of teachers in the UK reported symptoms of stress (including anxiety, depressions and panic attacks) compared with just 62% of the population as a whole.

Research

The Times Educational Supplement last November brought matters into sharp focus as follows:

Teaching is among the most stressful jobs you can do in Britain, according to new health and safety statistics. The latest figures from the Health and Safety Executive (HSE) show that in the teaching profession there were 2,460 cases of work-related stress per 100,000 workers.

This was twice the average rate across all industries of 1,230 cases per 100,000 workers in the three-year period averaged over 2014-15 to 2016-17.

“Stress is more prevalent in public service industries, such as education, human health and social care work activities and public administration and defence,” the report states.

It added that previous surveys had found the predominant cause of stress was workload – in particular, tight deadlines. Other causes were too much pressure or responsibility, a lack of managerial support, organisational changes, violence and role uncertainty.

“Work-related stress, depression or anxiety continues to represent a significant ill health condition in the workforce of Great Britain,” the report concludes.

A recent DfE report on teachers’ decisions to leave teaching found workload was the single most common reason – cited by 75 per cent of ex-teachers as the reason they quit the profession. Changes in policy were the second biggest cause.

I have to say that in my 38 years of teaching, I have indeed come across several colleagues who have had time off for stress or who have ‘battled on’ despite being under tremendous pressure. I believe that these instances are increasing and thus they align with this research. A few years ago I went through a particularly stressful period as a Head – brought on, I feel, by a combination of ‘issues’ to do with school parents and their high expectations (unrealistic in some cases) together with a number of tricky staffing concerns. This experience led me to consider, along with some medical intervention, stress-busting / minimising approaches.

Tips

I hasten to add that a degree of stress is, of course, healthy and like most things in life we are looking to reach a balance. My response to my own anxiety was not revolutionary but, I believe, helped me manage the inevitable pressures that came with my job and also with teaching in general. I stopped checking work emails after 9.00 pm, for example, and, indeed, avoided the computer for any reason after this time at night. Furthermore, on holiday I deliberately avoided all emails and made use of the handy ‘out of office’ function on my computer. (My wife is a very good partner in reminding me about this should I be otherwise tempted!) Just this week I heard in a report for Breakfast News on BBC that the ‘French approach’ to emails could be considered in the workplace: no email should be sent to a subordinate outside ‘normal working hours’. Clearly for teachers ‘normal working hours’ needs defining and so perhaps this could apply between 7.00pm and 7.00am?

I try to get to bed before 10.00pm rather than waiting to watch the News first before retiring for the night. In my workplace I strove to look for opportunities to delegate work and, yes, to trust others to do things better than me! Even if in my view they didn’t manage this, it is their learning experience that’s important. In addition to this, I very consciously tried not to dwell on imaginary conversations ahead of ‘difficult meetings’: it’s fine to plan for these and consider scenarios but as I walked home of an evening (and this woodland walk was a privilege to savour), I very consciously tried to leave them behind recognising that there’s nothing further I can do until the next day – or after the weekend.

Why worry?

We will all have things which suit us personally and fit with our lifestyles to reduce stress further (and for me this includes prayer and Christian fellowship – as well as time with my wife and family). It’s tremendously important, however, to look for those ‘little extras’ which we can do (or stop doing) when the going gets too tough. This may mean a conversation with your GP but will also involve wise advice from those who know us best along with, perhaps, the tips above over online habits and self-control with our endless ‘what if’ thoughts. As someone has pointed out, 90+% of the things we worry about never happen – and so why worry in the first place?